The Talent-less

You can go ahead and say that we're good at what we do. If anything, we love to hear compliments like that to give our egos a boost every now and then but do not ever, EVER, call us talented.

'Talent' is such a dangerous word to throw around. Most people harmlessly mean it as a compliment but calling it talent in subtle ways disregards the hundreds of hours we dedicate to our craft to get as good as we are. I'm a dancer and truthfully, performances are a thankless job. Quoting a friend, "For every minute on stage, we spend 10, maybe 20 hours preparing for it," and people who are not quite acquainted with performing arts don't appreciate that fact. Most, if not all the time, great performances aren't the product of talent, they're the product of hard work.

I'm not saying that there's no such thing as talented people. Any and every field has their fair share of people who are talented but being good and being talented couldn't be more different. Talented people may be able to catch choreography faster than you, they may require less practice to be as clean, they may be able to do tricks and stunts that you can't but even talented people aren't good automatically. It is also important to realise that the lack of talent is by no means a barrier to being good.

I think that sometimes, it's important to disregard talent. When you acknowledge talent, you're basically drawing a line between those with talent and those without and if you're on the wrong side of the line, you're essentially screwed. Even if you're on the right side, it's human nature to look upwards, to further subdivide each section into those who are less talented and those who are more talented. We watch Youtube dancers, people like Keone Madrid, Vinh Nguyen, Kyle Hanagami, Brian Puspos and some of us dismiss them as the ultra-talented but at the same time we forget how much of their lives they've devoted to the art they love the most. The hours upon decades that made them into the dancers who they are today. Even choreography is not something that comes out of talent. It has to be grown, nurtured through countless hours of labouring in the pursuit of becoming better

When you stop acknowledging talent, it's easier to motivate ourselves to strive for seemingly unreachable goals. I would grant, realistically there are goals that require talent to be reached but no one can determine the divide between what is reachable by hard work and what can only reached by talent. If we limit ourselves to the bounds of our talent, one day we'll all hit that boundary and just stagnate but if we ignore talent, we stop being chained down by that self-imposed limit. In this world, there will realistically always be unreachable goals but if we keep working towards those unreachable goals, at very least we'll find ourselves better than we were yesterday.

The Extroverted Introvert

So here's another one of those private confession posts that I'll be writing. It's about a small misconception that people may have about me. If you take a public opinion on whether I'm an introvert or an extrovert, I'm sure that it'll generally be swayed towards me being an extrovert and I can't fault that impression. On the outside I look like a textbook extrovert. I like public speaking, emcee-ing, etc. I like meeting new people in social camps and such. I like being a mascot or public figurehead for things.

But then again, all of that is just on the surface. There's more to introversion than just an aversion socialising and at its core I personally identify more strongly with the qualities of an introvert than those of an extrovert. A great series of videos called 'The Power of Introverts' inspired by Susan Cain's similarly titled book helps elucidate the world of an introvert. 

Introversion is not shyness which is driven by a fear of social rejection. Introversion is a response to external stimuli, including social stimuli. While an extrovert would crave and re-energise themselves from exposure to social stimuli, an introvert would actually re-energise themselves from being alone. Introverts are not afraid of excess social stimuli, they get overwhelmed by it. 

Personally I build up a persona to handle excess stimuli. That overly-friendly, outspoken and slightly hyper version of me, that extroverted version of me, is the persona I build to handle the excess social stimuli. In situations where I can't hide behind that persona to protect me from all the excess stimuli, my brain just shuts down and I stop reacting altogether. Those who know me better may have seen that side of me. I can only handle the socialising once it's broken down into smaller, more intimate exchanges.

I'm a seasoned performer so I'm kinda used to crowds. It's easy for me to do things like emcee-ing, public speaking and dance performances. However, there is one very important feature about these activities that I need to highlight. They're all performances of sorts. Speaking at people (for the lack of better wording) is not the same as speaking to people. When I'm performing, I just activate my 'performer mode' and run on auto-pilot from a pre-rehearsed script or on my improvisation instincts.

I'm perfect comfortable with performing because at the end it all, I still have the performance aspect to hide behind. I'm totally uncomfortable with being thrown into a crowd of strangers and being expected to socialise. It scares the shit out of me. I like to think that my dealings are very calculated. I need to know the type of people I'm dealing with, the social environment I'm in and how far I can stretch before I start accidentally insulting people. I need to know this because I need to adapt to the situations I'm in. I don't have the luxury of such knowledge when dealing with strangers in alien environments. A true extrovert would probably just pick a simple set of social choices and just run with it. I can't do that no matter how hard I try simply because that is not how I function. 

Since I was young, I've always been a little bit of an oddball introvert. I didn't have too many friends and I didn't particularly like mass socialising too much. Since then I grown up a little into a more outgoing and (slightly) less socially awkward person but no one can truly outgrow who they are. For better or worse, deep down I'm still that little introvert I was born as and there's little I can do about that other than embrace who I really am.

Music: The Script - #3

It's been a long time since my last post but I finally had some time on my hands to do some writing so here's an album review of the recently released album, #3 by The Script.

Okay, first things first. Let me confess that I'm a dedicated fan of The Script ever since I came across their debut album. The band could not be more aptly named. What caught my attention the most was the beauty of the songwriting and the lyrics of their songs. Their lyrics read off like poetry with no shortage of clever metaphors and witty wordplay. Their second album didn't just live up to my expectations of the band, in many ways I felt it surpassed their first. So you could imagine my excitement when I heard the announcement for their latest album, #3

Now let me get on with it. Truth be told, I'm honesty let down by this album. This album is perhaps their most personal album yet, with songs like If You Could See Me Now, and also their most message-driven, with songs like Hall Of Fame and Give The Love Around, but overall this album seems to lack the lyrical genius and wit that are The Script's claims to fame. A lot of the songs are filled with needless filler of repeated humming and 'ooh'-ing, as if O'Donoghue and Sheehan couldn't figure out what else to put in. The other two bonus tracks found in the Deluxe Edition of the album, Moon Boots and Hurricanes, are equally uninspiring and are perhaps the worst songs off the entire album.

There are some nice songs in this album though. Six Degrees of Separation in my opinion is probably the album's best song by far in terms of both musical polish and lyrical wittiness but still fails to match up with the stronger songs of their previous album (e.g. Nothing, Science & Faith, For The First Time). I would have liked If You Could See Me Now more with it being the most emotionally potent song of the album but the musical delivery of the song caused it to fall flat. Two other songs worth mentioning would be No Words for being one of the nicer sounding songs overall and Millionaires which barely makes it as this album's answer to Science & Faith's For This First Time, sadly lacking the lyrical punch its predecessor had.

I would like to take some time to talk about the live songs that were also included in the Deluxe Edition. The recordings were taken  during a concert performed by them in their hometown of Dublin and just by listening to the crowd's reaction and energy in each of the recordings makes me wish I was there. The sheer volume and synchronicity of the crowd was to say the least awe-inspiring and as a concert-goer myself, I would have given anything to attend a concert with a crowd like that.

Overall, the release of this album is a tarnish on their track more than anything. The message driven songs just feel preachy and unnecessary, and the album the album lacks the lyrical punch that I've come to expect following their sophomore album. I can only hope that their next effort rebuilds my confidence in them.

After the Burnout

For the third time now, my latest Blast! concert endeavor has come to an end and like every other major event in my life, here lies the blogpost recounting my journey.

This SUAD journey is slightly different from my previous concert experiences thus far. This is the first concert which really burnt me out completely. My first SUAD concert I did one item and the only extra academic work I had was CS2020. My first EMCC concert a semester later I did two items and had a rather normal workload for an SoC student. This time around I was doing four items while having to juggle Rag commitments for the first half of practices and CS3216 commitments for the second half. It didn't help at all that I was a lot more committed to Rag this year than I was when I was doing EMCC last year.

I've detailed quite a bit of this in an earlier blogpost so I won't repeat myself too much. After the second vetting, I somehow managed to catch up with most of the choreo and I felt a little better with myself. All was good until our first full dress rehearsal the day before the concert. Like all the practices and runs before that, I tried my best and gave what I thought was my best on stage but during the debrief after our stage run, a couple of my choreographers told us that that was perhaps one of our worst runs to date. Those words weighed a lot on me. I had a midterm test on the morning of the concert and I hadn't even begun to study for it yet I still couldn't bear to screw up the concert. Right then, I felt the lowest I have ever felt in a very long time. Thankfully, the dance captain, Glenn, and some of the alumni posted some words of encouragement on the club's facebook group and I managed to get back on my feet quickly enough for my midterms in the morning (which I believe I managed to do well enough for =D).

And then here we are, concert night. To be brutally honest to myself, I wasn't happy with how I performed during the concert at all. My first item went pretty well but it only went downhill from there. Throughout my second item, both my legs felt like they were going to give way at any time and I couldn't give it my everything on stage (the minor wardrobe malfunction of my scarf coming undone didn't help at all). My third item felt like a complete disaster because halfway through the song I completely bombed almost an entire eight because my muscle memory didn't kick in. The last item offered a little bit of redemption as it went off without any major hitches despite being the item that I was most concerned with. It just hurts me quite a bit to know that I tried my best for this concert given my other priorities yet I still fell short and there was nothing I could do about it.

At the end of it all, I'm just glad that SUAD is over. Don't get me wrong. I honestly believe the biggest purpose of joining Blast! is to participate in concerts and concerts are the platforms where all Blast!ards learn the most and bond the most but between this and my all other commitments, I'm more glad that I finally have time to do all the work that I've been needing to get done. I've loved every moment I've had in SUAD and now it's over and it's time to move on.

Though the following people will probably never read this blogpost, I still would like to express my thanks to my choreographers:-

Thank you Jasper for choreographing such a dope item. I'm glad that you decided to push us to our limits and allowed us to grow as dancers. I feel a bit sad that SUAD made you feel a little jaded nearing the end and if it is worth anything, I would like to say that I'll always be proud of being part of Team Testosterone =D

Thank you Chii Tarng and Weina for choreographing such a suave item. Chii Tarng, your stage presence is really an inspiration to us all and it gives us something to look up to not just as dancers but as performers as well. Weina, thanks for your frankness and attention to picking out our mistakes. It really helps a lot when I'm trying to identify the areas which I need to work on as far as the choreography is concerned.

Thank you Ahmad for choreographing such a cool item. Ever since you've taught me in JC, I have always looked up to your insane musicality. It's a little sad that I couldn't do more of your item but to be fair to you, I wasn't fully committed to your item so I understand your choice to block me out. Thank you for believing in me for the stunt (even though it turned out half-fuck in the end) and I apologise for all the shit that I gave you through over these few months.

Last but not least, thank you Pat for choreographing such an awesome finale item. I truly sympathise with the problem of terrible attendance you faced over the holidays but in the end it truly impresses me how you managed to create such a great performance which so little preparation. It was truly a fun item to be a part of. Thank you for also believing in me even though I always forget your steps every now and then.

I do not know when the next time I get to perform for Blast! will be because I will be missing the next concert thanks to SEP. This SUAD may have left me a little jaded and tired but nevertheless I will always look forward to doing better in the next concert. My next concert will most probably be my last so I have one last shot to become a dope legend in Blast! >.<

The Universal Balance Theory

Humans are all naturally curious creatures. We all strive to understand the world around us from the biggest pictures to the smallest details. We always try to reason out why the world around us works the way it does in order to make sense of everything that is happening around us. Some lines of reasoning make more sense than others though like how the laws of gravity make more sense than lunar landing conspiracy theories. Nevertheless, these are all attempts to understand the things that happen around us. I too have come up with a theory of my own in my attempt to rationalise human potential. I call it the universal balance theory.

Now a slight disclaimer. I'm not saying that I fully believe my own theory since I have no real backing to defend this theory nor do I intend to actually defend the legitimacy of this theory. I'm merely proposing an interesting theory to ponder about. Now that we got that out of the way, allow me to get theory proper.

Basically the premise is all of humanity shares a common pool of 'attribute points' which is proportional to the size of the human population such the attribute points per capita is constantly constant. These attribute points are shared amongst the entire population to be used to increase their own individual attributes such as intelligence, strength, appearances, individual talents, etc.. When I say attributes, I refer to inherent attributes like how some people are inherently prettier or smarter than others. Unfortunately, how these attributes are actually applied is completely involuntary, like a random stat generator in an RPG.

Now I propose that an average person would get approximately the same number of attribute points as another average person so in a way, this distribution is fair. For example, if an average individual possesses above average intellect, said individual might possess below average looks to balance out their individual point distribution.

Of course, one might argue there are plenty of exceptions to this case. My favourite example of a person who best illustrate this imbalance of stat points would be Wang Lee Hom. He's smart, good-looking, multi-talented and best of all, not a douchebag. The perfect example of an individual who has maxed out his IQ as well as his EQ while still having twice as many special attributes as an average person.

So evidently the distribution of stat points is not equal for every individual and I never claimed such to be true. A more accurate representation of the distribution of stat points across the human race would be a normal distribution centered around the amount of stat points an average joe would have. So for every perfect individual out there, there is an equally flawed individual to compensate.

The universal balance theory extends a little further than just the general amount of stat points each individual gets. As I mentioned earlier, the allocation of said points is involuntary and I believe that even the distribution of points to each stat is fair. For example, the nett average intelligence of the human race remains constant throughout time. Again, the distribution of points across each attribute is normally distributed. It may not be necessarily true that for every smart person, there is an equally stupid person. In fact, I have been told many times that stupid people far outnumber smart people and I won't be too quick to disagree. But allow me to challenge this notion a little. Sure, there may be a lot of stupid people around but how much damage could one individual stupid person do? Perhaps a few dozen people, maybe even a few hundred people over a lifetime. Now lets look at the other end of the spectrum. How many people could one smart person benefit? One Mark Zuckerberg changed the lives of an entire generation and his legacy will probably live on for generations on. That's practically one or two BILLION people who benefit from one smart person. Granted it's one really smart person but hopefully you get my argument. So in the end the effect this stat distribution is pretty much balanced.

I suppose at the end of all this, there are a few points I'm trying to get at. The first would be that we as human beings haven't gotten any better over time. We haven't gotten any smarter, any better looking, any more talented. We are still pretty much the same species of human we were thousands of years ago. Of course now we have better facilities and technologies but naturally we are the still the same. 

The second would be that in a way, the world is fair. No matter how you skew it, the balance of humanity is well, balanced on the grand scale of things. Everyone is born with their own strengths and weaknesses. And for those who have more weaknesses than strengths, that's just the unfortunate circumstance of being on the wrong side of the bell curve of humanity. The only thing we can do is suck it up and move on (and perhaps hope that our descendents get better luck from life's random stat generator).

Killing Dreams

It's been quite a while since I've been here. Between projects last sem (CS3217) to a summer of FOC, Rag and Blast! pracs for SUAD to projects this sem (CS3216 and CS4213) and more Blast! pracs, I haven't had the time to sit down and write a blog post. However, there is something I need to get off my chest, despite breaking my ironclad rule of not posting emo blogposts on this blog.

Since the middle of summer, I had to juggle being in charge of Rag dance and my commitments to Blast!. Since I have a bigger stake in Rag, my commitments to Blast! were sadly neglected. I missed practices. I didn't catch steps. I forgot choreo. I've been a choreographer a couple of times and I know how frustrating it is when dancers don't remember their steps and now I have the dishonour of doing it to other choreographers which it kills me inside knowing that I can't do better. Once Rag was over I thought that I would be able to catch up with Blast! but from week 1 the projects have been flooding in and once again I find myself spread thinner than I can handle.

Today we just had our second concert vetting which was the first time I got to see all the other performances (I missed the first vetting due to a mishap involving me slamming my head into the concrete floor and getting sent to the hospital). There I came to the realisation of a few things. The first is how hopelessly far behind I am in the choreography with me dropping steps everywhere (which is unforgivable since there is only three weeks to concert day). The second is how good all the other dancers are in all the other items. These dancers put their all into practices and take great pains to practice in their own time. It's not talent that got them where they are now, it's hard work and time, both of which I cannot afford to commit. And this is where I arrived at my third realisation that I'm not going to make it any higher in Blast! and that I'll always be stuck being worse than ordinary.

I've always had the end goal of choreographing for Blast! before I graduate. I thought handling Rag dance for two years would be enough experience to get me there until I saw the other items at the vetting. All the choreographers are dancers whom all the other dancers look up to. Superstars in all their own rights. The best of the very best that Blast! has to offer and here I am struggling to keep up with the ordinary bunch of Blast!. Perhaps if I took more classes or if I prioritised dance higher, I could be as good as they are but these options are simply beyond my means.

It crushes my soul a little bit to know despite how much I love dancing I will never be able to excel at it but it is a humbling realisation that I have to come to terms to. The audience only deserves the best show that we can give them and I'm never going to be able to give them what others in Blast! can. Even if I grew a thicker skin and asked for the opportunity, I know they will never give it to me because I'm simply not that good. The only thing I can do is let go of impossible dreams, leave a small piece of my soul behind and walk on, putting my best foot forward to do my best at what I can do.

Something To Prove

I have a small confession to make. I have come to believe that I might have a minor inferiority complex. Not the sad type of inferiority complex where I feel small and insignificant and that I will never amount to anything. In fact, it's quite the opposite. It's the type of inferiority complex where I constantly feel the need to prove something. Not necessarily to prove something to someone, just to prove something. It's that feeling where I just feel the need to accomplish something.

This complex is probably one of the driving forces behind the formation of my current personality. I will admit, for the longest time I've always been hounded by a constant nagging need. The need to be cool. I can't really remember where this need manifested from but I do know that I have had it for as long as I can remember.

I'll be perfectly honest with myself. I wouldn't consider myself a very normal person by societal standards. On more than one occasion, people's first impression of me is that I'm weird (occasionally the qualifier 'weird Malaysian' is added for nationalist emphasis) and I felt that this seriously hampered my chances of being the hip kind of cool person.

Since my chances of being that type of cool person were throw out of the window, I decided to approach being cool from a completely different perspective. I tried to approach coolness by being entertaining and as a result, my personality shifted to become the comedic, overly-dramatic person that I am now. The best way to describe my personality would be that of a cartoon character, over-the-top yet never ceasing to bring a smile to people's faces.

Of course, this need to be cool affected more than my personality. I believe that it also drove my passion for dance. At first, I picked up dancing out of jest but then I suddenly took it so seriously that it now has become an inseparable part of my life. I think the reason why this happened was because I found out how cool dance was but more importantly, I found out how cool it was to be a dancer.

You might have heard the dancer quote "dance to express, not to impress". Honestly, I never fully bought that quote. I believe that on a subconscious level, one of the reasons why I pursued dance so fervently is because I wanted people to find me cool and to stroke my ego. After a while, I succeeded in making people think I'm cool because I dance (as per feedback of most my friends). But then suddenly that was not good enough for me. Suddenly I wanted other dancers to find my dancing cool, dancers that I think are cool and godlike themselves. This eventually became a vicious cycle of pursuing greatness as when I finally earn the respect of good dancers, I have the urge to become cool in the eyes of dancers that are even more amazing. In the end, I became locked in a cycle of constantly trying to outdo myself as a dancer.

Now, my pursuit for coolness, despite being quite a large part of my inferiority complex, isn't the only thing I needed to achieve. To quote Steve Jobs, I have this need to put a dink in the universe. Ok, perhaps not on the same level and scale as Jobs but I certainly have a need to leave my mark on life. I have probably mentioned this somewhere before but this is the reason why I'm always taking up all kinds of responsibilities. Aside from simply challenging myself, I choose to take up all these responsibilities because that is my way of leaving my mark on as many lives as I can. Ever now and then, this need becomes my own undoing as I get crushed under the weight of the responsibilities but in the end I still regret nothing. In the end, I only do what I do because I want to do it and I choose to do it.

Steve Jobs once said at a Stanford commencement ceremony, "Stay hungry, stay foolish". I fully intend to do that just so that one day I can prove to myself that I have become cool enough to impress myself.