Sunday, 2 September 2012

Killing Dreams

It's been quite a while since I've been here. Between projects last sem (CS3217) to a summer of FOC, Rag and Blast! pracs for SUAD to projects this sem (CS3216 and CS4213) and more Blast! pracs, I haven't had the time to sit down and write a blog post. However, there is something I need to get off my chest, despite breaking my ironclad rule of not posting emo blogposts on this blog.

Since the middle of summer, I had to juggle being in charge of Rag dance and my commitments to Blast!. Since I have a bigger stake in Rag, my commitments to Blast! were sadly neglected. I missed practices. I didn't catch steps. I forgot choreo. I've been a choreographer a couple of times and I know how frustrating it is when dancers don't remember their steps and now I have the dishonour of doing it to other choreographers which it kills me inside knowing that I can't do better. Once Rag was over I thought that I would be able to catch up with Blast! but from week 1 the projects have been flooding in and once again I find myself spread thinner than I can handle.

Today we just had our second concert vetting which was the first time I got to see all the other performances (I missed the first vetting due to a mishap involving me slamming my head into the concrete floor and getting sent to the hospital). There I came to the realisation of a few things. The first is how hopelessly far behind I am in the choreography with me dropping steps everywhere (which is unforgivable since there is only three weeks to concert day). The second is how good all the other dancers are in all the other items. These dancers put their all into practices and take great pains to practice in their own time. It's not talent that got them where they are now, it's hard work and time, both of which I cannot afford to commit. And this is where I arrived at my third realisation that I'm not going to make it any higher in Blast! and that I'll always be stuck being worse than ordinary.

I've always had the end goal of choreographing for Blast! before I graduate. I thought handling Rag dance for two years would be enough experience to get me there until I saw the other items at the vetting. All the choreographers are dancers whom all the other dancers look up to. Superstars in all their own rights. The best of the very best that Blast! has to offer and here I am struggling to keep up with the ordinary bunch of Blast!. Perhaps if I took more classes or if I prioritised dance higher, I could be as good as they are but these options are simply beyond my means.

It crushes my soul a little bit to know despite how much I love dancing I will never be able to excel at it but it is a humbling realisation that I have to come to terms to. The audience only deserves the best show that we can give them and I'm never going to be able to give them what others in Blast! can. Even if I grew a thicker skin and asked for the opportunity, I know they will never give it to me because I'm simply not that good. The only thing I can do is let go of impossible dreams, leave a small piece of my soul behind and walk on, putting my best foot forward to do my best at what I can do.

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