After the Burnout

For the third time now, my latest Blast! concert endeavor has come to an end and like every other major event in my life, here lies the blogpost recounting my journey.

This SUAD journey is slightly different from my previous concert experiences thus far. This is the first concert which really burnt me out completely. My first SUAD concert I did one item and the only extra academic work I had was CS2020. My first EMCC concert a semester later I did two items and had a rather normal workload for an SoC student. This time around I was doing four items while having to juggle Rag commitments for the first half of practices and CS3216 commitments for the second half. It didn't help at all that I was a lot more committed to Rag this year than I was when I was doing EMCC last year.

I've detailed quite a bit of this in an earlier blogpost so I won't repeat myself too much. After the second vetting, I somehow managed to catch up with most of the choreo and I felt a little better with myself. All was good until our first full dress rehearsal the day before the concert. Like all the practices and runs before that, I tried my best and gave what I thought was my best on stage but during the debrief after our stage run, a couple of my choreographers told us that that was perhaps one of our worst runs to date. Those words weighed a lot on me. I had a midterm test on the morning of the concert and I hadn't even begun to study for it yet I still couldn't bear to screw up the concert. Right then, I felt the lowest I have ever felt in a very long time. Thankfully, the dance captain, Glenn, and some of the alumni posted some words of encouragement on the club's facebook group and I managed to get back on my feet quickly enough for my midterms in the morning (which I believe I managed to do well enough for =D).

And then here we are, concert night. To be brutally honest to myself, I wasn't happy with how I performed during the concert at all. My first item went pretty well but it only went downhill from there. Throughout my second item, both my legs felt like they were going to give way at any time and I couldn't give it my everything on stage (the minor wardrobe malfunction of my scarf coming undone didn't help at all). My third item felt like a complete disaster because halfway through the song I completely bombed almost an entire eight because my muscle memory didn't kick in. The last item offered a little bit of redemption as it went off without any major hitches despite being the item that I was most concerned with. It just hurts me quite a bit to know that I tried my best for this concert given my other priorities yet I still fell short and there was nothing I could do about it.

At the end of it all, I'm just glad that SUAD is over. Don't get me wrong. I honestly believe the biggest purpose of joining Blast! is to participate in concerts and concerts are the platforms where all Blast!ards learn the most and bond the most but between this and my all other commitments, I'm more glad that I finally have time to do all the work that I've been needing to get done. I've loved every moment I've had in SUAD and now it's over and it's time to move on.

Though the following people will probably never read this blogpost, I still would like to express my thanks to my choreographers:-

Thank you Jasper for choreographing such a dope item. I'm glad that you decided to push us to our limits and allowed us to grow as dancers. I feel a bit sad that SUAD made you feel a little jaded nearing the end and if it is worth anything, I would like to say that I'll always be proud of being part of Team Testosterone =D

Thank you Chii Tarng and Weina for choreographing such a suave item. Chii Tarng, your stage presence is really an inspiration to us all and it gives us something to look up to not just as dancers but as performers as well. Weina, thanks for your frankness and attention to picking out our mistakes. It really helps a lot when I'm trying to identify the areas which I need to work on as far as the choreography is concerned.

Thank you Ahmad for choreographing such a cool item. Ever since you've taught me in JC, I have always looked up to your insane musicality. It's a little sad that I couldn't do more of your item but to be fair to you, I wasn't fully committed to your item so I understand your choice to block me out. Thank you for believing in me for the stunt (even though it turned out half-fuck in the end) and I apologise for all the shit that I gave you through over these few months.

Last but not least, thank you Pat for choreographing such an awesome finale item. I truly sympathise with the problem of terrible attendance you faced over the holidays but in the end it truly impresses me how you managed to create such a great performance which so little preparation. It was truly a fun item to be a part of. Thank you for also believing in me even though I always forget your steps every now and then.

I do not know when the next time I get to perform for Blast! will be because I will be missing the next concert thanks to SEP. This SUAD may have left me a little jaded and tired but nevertheless I will always look forward to doing better in the next concert. My next concert will most probably be my last so I have one last shot to become a dope legend in Blast! >.<

The Universal Balance Theory

Humans are all naturally curious creatures. We all strive to understand the world around us from the biggest pictures to the smallest details. We always try to reason out why the world around us works the way it does in order to make sense of everything that is happening around us. Some lines of reasoning make more sense than others though like how the laws of gravity make more sense than lunar landing conspiracy theories. Nevertheless, these are all attempts to understand the things that happen around us. I too have come up with a theory of my own in my attempt to rationalise human potential. I call it the universal balance theory.

Now a slight disclaimer. I'm not saying that I fully believe my own theory since I have no real backing to defend this theory nor do I intend to actually defend the legitimacy of this theory. I'm merely proposing an interesting theory to ponder about. Now that we got that out of the way, allow me to get theory proper.

Basically the premise is all of humanity shares a common pool of 'attribute points' which is proportional to the size of the human population such the attribute points per capita is constantly constant. These attribute points are shared amongst the entire population to be used to increase their own individual attributes such as intelligence, strength, appearances, individual talents, etc.. When I say attributes, I refer to inherent attributes like how some people are inherently prettier or smarter than others. Unfortunately, how these attributes are actually applied is completely involuntary, like a random stat generator in an RPG.

Now I propose that an average person would get approximately the same number of attribute points as another average person so in a way, this distribution is fair. For example, if an average individual possesses above average intellect, said individual might possess below average looks to balance out their individual point distribution.

Of course, one might argue there are plenty of exceptions to this case. My favourite example of a person who best illustrate this imbalance of stat points would be Wang Lee Hom. He's smart, good-looking, multi-talented and best of all, not a douchebag. The perfect example of an individual who has maxed out his IQ as well as his EQ while still having twice as many special attributes as an average person.

So evidently the distribution of stat points is not equal for every individual and I never claimed such to be true. A more accurate representation of the distribution of stat points across the human race would be a normal distribution centered around the amount of stat points an average joe would have. So for every perfect individual out there, there is an equally flawed individual to compensate.

The universal balance theory extends a little further than just the general amount of stat points each individual gets. As I mentioned earlier, the allocation of said points is involuntary and I believe that even the distribution of points to each stat is fair. For example, the nett average intelligence of the human race remains constant throughout time. Again, the distribution of points across each attribute is normally distributed. It may not be necessarily true that for every smart person, there is an equally stupid person. In fact, I have been told many times that stupid people far outnumber smart people and I won't be too quick to disagree. But allow me to challenge this notion a little. Sure, there may be a lot of stupid people around but how much damage could one individual stupid person do? Perhaps a few dozen people, maybe even a few hundred people over a lifetime. Now lets look at the other end of the spectrum. How many people could one smart person benefit? One Mark Zuckerberg changed the lives of an entire generation and his legacy will probably live on for generations on. That's practically one or two BILLION people who benefit from one smart person. Granted it's one really smart person but hopefully you get my argument. So in the end the effect this stat distribution is pretty much balanced.

I suppose at the end of all this, there are a few points I'm trying to get at. The first would be that we as human beings haven't gotten any better over time. We haven't gotten any smarter, any better looking, any more talented. We are still pretty much the same species of human we were thousands of years ago. Of course now we have better facilities and technologies but naturally we are the still the same. 

The second would be that in a way, the world is fair. No matter how you skew it, the balance of humanity is well, balanced on the grand scale of things. Everyone is born with their own strengths and weaknesses. And for those who have more weaknesses than strengths, that's just the unfortunate circumstance of being on the wrong side of the bell curve of humanity. The only thing we can do is suck it up and move on (and perhaps hope that our descendents get better luck from life's random stat generator).

Killing Dreams

It's been quite a while since I've been here. Between projects last sem (CS3217) to a summer of FOC, Rag and Blast! pracs for SUAD to projects this sem (CS3216 and CS4213) and more Blast! pracs, I haven't had the time to sit down and write a blog post. However, there is something I need to get off my chest, despite breaking my ironclad rule of not posting emo blogposts on this blog.

Since the middle of summer, I had to juggle being in charge of Rag dance and my commitments to Blast!. Since I have a bigger stake in Rag, my commitments to Blast! were sadly neglected. I missed practices. I didn't catch steps. I forgot choreo. I've been a choreographer a couple of times and I know how frustrating it is when dancers don't remember their steps and now I have the dishonour of doing it to other choreographers which it kills me inside knowing that I can't do better. Once Rag was over I thought that I would be able to catch up with Blast! but from week 1 the projects have been flooding in and once again I find myself spread thinner than I can handle.

Today we just had our second concert vetting which was the first time I got to see all the other performances (I missed the first vetting due to a mishap involving me slamming my head into the concrete floor and getting sent to the hospital). There I came to the realisation of a few things. The first is how hopelessly far behind I am in the choreography with me dropping steps everywhere (which is unforgivable since there is only three weeks to concert day). The second is how good all the other dancers are in all the other items. These dancers put their all into practices and take great pains to practice in their own time. It's not talent that got them where they are now, it's hard work and time, both of which I cannot afford to commit. And this is where I arrived at my third realisation that I'm not going to make it any higher in Blast! and that I'll always be stuck being worse than ordinary.

I've always had the end goal of choreographing for Blast! before I graduate. I thought handling Rag dance for two years would be enough experience to get me there until I saw the other items at the vetting. All the choreographers are dancers whom all the other dancers look up to. Superstars in all their own rights. The best of the very best that Blast! has to offer and here I am struggling to keep up with the ordinary bunch of Blast!. Perhaps if I took more classes or if I prioritised dance higher, I could be as good as they are but these options are simply beyond my means.

It crushes my soul a little bit to know despite how much I love dancing I will never be able to excel at it but it is a humbling realisation that I have to come to terms to. The audience only deserves the best show that we can give them and I'm never going to be able to give them what others in Blast! can. Even if I grew a thicker skin and asked for the opportunity, I know they will never give it to me because I'm simply not that good. The only thing I can do is let go of impossible dreams, leave a small piece of my soul behind and walk on, putting my best foot forward to do my best at what I can do.

Something To Prove

I have a small confession to make. I have come to believe that I might have a minor inferiority complex. Not the sad type of inferiority complex where I feel small and insignificant and that I will never amount to anything. In fact, it's quite the opposite. It's the type of inferiority complex where I constantly feel the need to prove something. Not necessarily to prove something to someone, just to prove something. It's that feeling where I just feel the need to accomplish something.

This complex is probably one of the driving forces behind the formation of my current personality. I will admit, for the longest time I've always been hounded by a constant nagging need. The need to be cool. I can't really remember where this need manifested from but I do know that I have had it for as long as I can remember.

I'll be perfectly honest with myself. I wouldn't consider myself a very normal person by societal standards. On more than one occasion, people's first impression of me is that I'm weird (occasionally the qualifier 'weird Malaysian' is added for nationalist emphasis) and I felt that this seriously hampered my chances of being the hip kind of cool person.

Since my chances of being that type of cool person were throw out of the window, I decided to approach being cool from a completely different perspective. I tried to approach coolness by being entertaining and as a result, my personality shifted to become the comedic, overly-dramatic person that I am now. The best way to describe my personality would be that of a cartoon character, over-the-top yet never ceasing to bring a smile to people's faces.

Of course, this need to be cool affected more than my personality. I believe that it also drove my passion for dance. At first, I picked up dancing out of jest but then I suddenly took it so seriously that it now has become an inseparable part of my life. I think the reason why this happened was because I found out how cool dance was but more importantly, I found out how cool it was to be a dancer.

You might have heard the dancer quote "dance to express, not to impress". Honestly, I never fully bought that quote. I believe that on a subconscious level, one of the reasons why I pursued dance so fervently is because I wanted people to find me cool and to stroke my ego. After a while, I succeeded in making people think I'm cool because I dance (as per feedback of most my friends). But then suddenly that was not good enough for me. Suddenly I wanted other dancers to find my dancing cool, dancers that I think are cool and godlike themselves. This eventually became a vicious cycle of pursuing greatness as when I finally earn the respect of good dancers, I have the urge to become cool in the eyes of dancers that are even more amazing. In the end, I became locked in a cycle of constantly trying to outdo myself as a dancer.

Now, my pursuit for coolness, despite being quite a large part of my inferiority complex, isn't the only thing I needed to achieve. To quote Steve Jobs, I have this need to put a dink in the universe. Ok, perhaps not on the same level and scale as Jobs but I certainly have a need to leave my mark on life. I have probably mentioned this somewhere before but this is the reason why I'm always taking up all kinds of responsibilities. Aside from simply challenging myself, I choose to take up all these responsibilities because that is my way of leaving my mark on as many lives as I can. Ever now and then, this need becomes my own undoing as I get crushed under the weight of the responsibilities but in the end I still regret nothing. In the end, I only do what I do because I want to do it and I choose to do it.

Steve Jobs once said at a Stanford commencement ceremony, "Stay hungry, stay foolish". I fully intend to do that just so that one day I can prove to myself that I have become cool enough to impress myself.

Halloween Horror Nights 2011

(subtitled "Exit From Hiatus")

Just a little foreword before I begin the blogpost proper. The events detailed in this blogpost date back as far as last September so yes, this blogpost is WAY overdue. However, I really didn't want to skip it because I think that Halloween Horror Nights was one of the events last year that defined 2011 for me. To be honest, maintaining my blog wasn't very high on my priority list last year but now I have an iPad on loan to me for a semester, I will hopefully be able to churn out more of my blogpost ideas that are currently sitting idle. Ok, now on to the blogpost proper...

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It all began way back on 31 August when I came back to work my part-time job as a waiter in Universal Studios Singapore during the Hari Raya break. While I was in the back-of -house, I noticed a poster advertising the auditions for internal staff for the upcoming Halloween Horror Nights (HHN).

A little backstory on what HHN is all about. HHN is a Halloween event that originated from the Universal Studios in USA. This meant that HHN in Singapore would be a MASSIVE scale production, similar to its American counterparts. In a nutshell, HHN was about taking the Hollywood experience, converting to a Halloween theme and setting it in a theme park for the public.

None of that really mattered to me though. The moment I saw the poster, I was hooked. For the longest time I wanted to have a glimpse of what it was like to be a part of the entertainment industry and this was my chance. The moment I got back to my room, I cleared my schedule to make way for the audition and crossed my fingers.

Fast forward a few days ahead to the audition day. When I walked into the audition room, I was greeted by the project director, the head of costumes and the stage manager for HHN. The audition actually went a lot quicker than I expected. The first part was essentially just them asking basic questions about my background like "Would you mind wearing coloured contacts?" and "Have you ever worn stilts before?". The second part was even easier. The project director simply said two words, "Scare me". The moment those two words left his mouth, I instinctively did the scariest thing I could think off. I bolted to their table and screamed as loud as I could into their faces. The tactic must have worked because a few days later, I received a call from Universal Studios Singapore saying that I got in.

Fast forward once again to the first day of practice. During the contract signing, I learnt that I was casted as an Evil Clown. Whatever that entailed, I didn't know but I digress. So as they gathered all the scare actors in the Pantages Theatre to brief all of us, we were grouped according to our areas and roles. As I sat down in my designated seat, the random stranger suddenly said to me, "I'm sorry but I seemed to have forgotten your name". A little surprised, I simply replied, "I don't recall ever telling you my name". As it turns out, by some random stroke of fate, the person sitting next to me was the ex-vice president of the NUS Comics and Animation Society of which I was currently the president of (in my defence, I only met her once before and moreover she was cosplaying that time so it was hard to recognize her out of costume). Either way, I was thankful enough to have met a familiar face in a sea of strangers.

The practice sessions before the event were odd enough for me. We were all dumped on an empty set with no idea whatsoever what our characters were supposed to look or act like other than the one-liner that told us what character was. So basically for the first few practices, we were left to our own devices and imagination as we explored how we interpret our roles and how we could interact with out surroundings. Nevertheless, over time as the props stopped shifting around and the costumes were finished, we had a more solid feel for what our characters were supposed to be. After that, the rest was history. After the practices, we went straight to the event itself which was spread over two weekends. Night in night out, we scared patrons as they walked in. Over the two weeks, I saw all kinds of people. Some were scared of out their wits for simply being there, some were stoned faced, some ridiculed us back as we tried to scare them, some even manhandled us while we were on duty. I was even fortunate enough to catch some of my friends while I was on set.

All in all, how did I find the experience? For starters, it was tiring like f**k. I was on set for as long as 45 minutes at a time and I was forced to wear a full-faced sponge mask so after just 15 minutes, my face started to melt under the sponge mask. On top of all that, we had to report in at 5pm and we were only released after 1am. Add transportation time on top of that and I got at least 10 hours of being outside to add to regular university curriculum and the fact that I only got to sleep after 2am for two weeks.

But boy was it fun. It would go without saying how fun it would be to be a part of an event centered on entertainment. On top of that, I got to mingle with a lot of interesting people behind the scenes. I met full-time performers, students studying drama and theatre, people who were there simply because they didn't have a job and even a person who has been in the freelance theatre business after quitting school after O-levels (there was an interestingly sizable number of openly gay people there as well). All of them were amazingly fun people. It was like a breath of fresh air to meet people I have never mixed with before and it was eye-opening to learn what it was like to be a part of the entertainment industry, both from talking to all these individuals who are a part of the industry and by simply being a part of this event myself.

Of course, this job had some extra perks. Before the event was opened to the public, some of us had the chance to experience the entire event for free. Some of you would have felt the $60+ entry ticket was too expensive but I would say that the ticket was worth every cent. The entire set-up was incredibly elaborate and the high production value was immediately obvious the moment you see the New York area which was converted to a post-apocalyptic setting complete with crashed cars and a dozen wandering zombies. It's certainly something that one is unlikely to experience within Singapore or even possibly South East Asia. As a customer and as a performer on and off set, I feel fortunate to have been a part of this incredible event and if all else works out, I would totally be a part of this in the future.

Some pictures of my costume for those who are curious:-